it's ironic that this show is all about pointing out our fears and then asking us what happens when we let go of them
Tonight, in a few short hours, we will be doing this show for the first time in front of a full audience.
I'm glad.
I am incredibly eager to see what people think of this show - how they respond, how much they intellectualize (or don't), what they find memorable and what they don't like. I want to know if it makes sense. ...not that it's a bad thing if this show isn't the clearest, most linear thing in the world...but I at least want people to feel like they were able to connect to it.
And I guess I'm a little afraid. ...Not afraid/nervous in the way that I usually am on an opening night - I actually feel rather oddly subdued about the show tonight - but afraid/anxious.
I am afraid/anxious that I (we) will not be understood; I'm afraid that people will think we are trying to be too artsy and obscure; I'm afraid that people will try too hard to grasp deeper meaning; I'm afraid that I'll sound like a fool if people ask me, for example, what the significance was of me sitting on top of the TV and eating an apple after scene 1 and I answer "well, during rehearsal one day nothing was happening on stage except for Cisco flipping channels on the TV, and I thought it was too empty on stage and I felt like something needed to happen, so I went and tried to stand on top of the TV but got scared that I was going to break it so I just settled for sitting on it."; I'm afraid to admit that I don't really know very much about what this play means or why I do or say half of the things I do.
Is it bad that I haven't thought more about it?
Why am I worrying so much?
It's funny that after this entire process I still have all these annoying worried voices running around in my head.
I'm sure I just need to let myself go a little...