Order/Disorder and Me
Last night each member of the cast brought a presentation on order/disorder.
As I began working on my own presentation I found myself pacing, talking to myself, gesturing and taking notes on three different notebooks. I have ADHD, and yes, that last D stands for disorder. I decided to present myself.
In solidifying how exactly I would present my own struggle between order and disorder, I began to realize that it was closely tied in with why and how I do theatre.
A note on ADHD: "Attention Deficit" is a misnomer. The actual issue is "Attention Overdose". I find it very dificult to not pay attention to anything and everything in the room. You can maybe imagine why that would end up looking like an attention deficit, with my attention bouncing from one thing to the next - or trying to focus on all things at once. In my worse moments I am overwhelmed by all the input, and unable to think clearly about what I am doing. ADHD can also result in hyperfocus - which might look more similar to OCD in some ways - me sitting at my computer adjusting each pixel of a design I'm working on because it's not perfect yet. At these times I can get very frustrated when someone trys to talk to me. TV, movies and theatre also often cause me to hyperfocus.
While directing ADHD can be a great help and a great hinderance. I'm not happy with a final product until it pulls my attention along smoothly from one moment to the next. I often simplify and simplify a show till there is enough order to counteract the disorder of my mind.
In rehearsals, on the other hand, I can become so distracted by all the various things I have to think about that I find it hard to make a decision on any one thing. I can become overwhelmed and shut down or flail. That's not extremely helpful in most cases. Or I might, as Michelle and Kyle have commented, walk back and forth between the stage and my notebook or script untill I find enough room in my brain to make a clear decision.